The Sex/Love split

"How come I can have great sex with a woman but, as soon s I start to develop feelings for her, I don't get turned on anymore?"

From men: "I like these two women: One is gentle and sweet and the other is a real tiger in bed. I'm torn. how do i decide between them?"

From women: " I'm dating these two men: One would be the perfect husband and father -- the kind of guy that my parents would love -- and the other is a real exciting 'bad boy.' I wish I could mesh them into one guy, but I can't. What can I do?"

Separating sex and love can lead to an intriguing but disturbing dilemma referred to as the "Madonna-whore syndrome" in men or the "Daddy-Don Juan syndrome" in women. Here, the "sufferers" split lovers into either sweet, nice people or wild, sexy ones. Sex becomes desirable only with the latter, not the former.

Bill was enamored of Jill, a sweet, gentle woman, who had all the qualities he wanted in a long-term mate. And she adored him and wanted to marry and start a family. The problem was, he found her boring in bed. Bill was also seeing Liza, a woman who had few of the qualities he valued for a wife and mother of his children, but who really turned him on sexually. Liza was fond of Bill but wasn't interested in settling down. But every time Bill decided to totally devote himself to Jim, he ended up calling Liza for a "roll in the hay."

Men like Bill are compelled to seek a challenge, and often devalue the very people who most value them. They think they are looking for the "perfect" person who combines all of the values they supposedly want with the sexual attraction they crave, but in reality, they can't let one person be everything to them.

If you recognize yourself in Bill's scenario, it's time to retrain you brain. Rather than separating sex and love, insist on having one with the other. Take a look at your relationships: Do you stereotype men as either fathers or lovers and women as either mothers or lovers? If so, look at your partners clearly. Are they really so easily pigeon-holed? Allow your mate the opportunity to express both roles. Communicate all your fantasies, desires, wants, and needs (sexual and otherwise) and give your mate a chance to fulfill the many sides of you.

Admit that both sex and love are equally important and possible with one person. Discover that your lover is trusting, honest, steadfast, and a wild lover. These traits are not mutually exclusive!